I don’t often do end of the year retrospectives, but 2012
was a particularly amazing year, and I’m more than a little sad to say goodbye
to it.
I have to admit that 2012 didn’t start out that well. Work
had become an exhausting burden. I was at odds with my boss and tired of
spinning my wheels fighting for a promotion that was always one hurdle after
another away. I was struggling with a novel that refused to come together.
Creatively, emotionally, professionally, I was stymied. I felt like I had
nothing and was going nowhere.
And then, an epiphany. I realized I had a choice. I didn’t
have to fight for that promotion simply because it was expected that I would.
Telling my boss I didn’t want my own store was a liberating day. I set the novel
that wasn’t working aside. And I asked myself what I wanted, what I needed, to
feel happy and fulfilled.
I thought about what other professional paths I could take.
I explored the idea of going back to school. I took a class in video production
and even though I may never break into that business, that class brought a
clarifying moment of self knowledge: to feel alive, I must create.
I must write. So I started a new novel, roughly based upon a
novella I wrote years ago. The stories and characters spilled out of me, and
though it’s not yet finished, it’s the furthest I’ve ever gotten. I can see the
finish line, and I know I’ll make it.
I must build. As a manager, I have the power to create a
work environment that is nurturing, supportive, and even fun. Every day, I make
a choice about what tone to set in the building, no matter what else is going
on. I have a choice whether to build relationships or tear them down. I have a
choice whether to listen or turn a deaf ear.
It was an empowering realization. And I feel more fulfilled
at work now than at any other time in my life. And the most startling thing of
all, it’s not the job. It’s the people, and the relationships I have with them.
I turned 40 this year, and decided it doesn’t feel all that
different from being in my thirties. But it was my favorite birthday, because I
spent it in San Diego with my three best friends. Friends who put aside their
own busy lives to come celebrate with me, one flying in all the way from
Florida. We hadn’t hung out together in over a year, but to us, it felt like
we’d never been apart. We went to Sea World. We walked on the beach. We ate
great food. We laughed a lot. And we marathoned Eureka. Because we couldn’t be us and not marathon something, no
matter where we are!
2012 was a year of remarkable friendships, both old and new,
near and far.
It was also the year I met Scott Caan, who I deeply admire
as an artist. I was overwhelmed and tongue-tied. He was gracious and kind. It
was an incredible experience. And though
I’m sure it was merely a blip on his radar, it will be a moment in time I will
never forget. A reminder that life can be unexpectedly sweet.
Thank you for everything, 2012. What you gave me, I will continue to carry.
As we enter 2013, my sights are set on finishing my first
novel and starting my second. To edit my first vid. To build. To create.
May 2013 bless all of us with at least a few wonderful
surprises.
